When Love becomes Obsession

I have always believed that there should be a balance between love, real love, true love whatever love it is you believe in and infatuations, obsession and possession.

Recent events made me to research what is normal and what is not and the findings was mind boggling to me. Hence, my desire to share this

It is amazing to discover that what we term as pointers to true love, care and affection is actually, in most cases, Obsessive Love Disorder

What is Obsessive Love Disorder?

Obsessive Love Disorder is "an extreme form of Love that transcends into obsession overtime. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and is usually triggered by factors such as anxiety, insecurity and vulnerability” -  medicinenet.

It is a state in which one feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person towards whom the feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection" - Wikipedia.

How does this happen?

The initial phase of relationship comes with an overwhelming and instant attraction which slowly moves on to become a tender, loving and beautiful relationship based on companionship and trust but soon, these feelings of love, if unchecked, matures into an intense maniac desire to possess which overrides the trust and companionship a couple once shared leading to obsessive love disorder.

Obsessive Love Disorder has been recognized as a serious mental disorder hence the prescription of treatment by psychotherapist .

Obsessive Love Disorder has its foundation in the insatiable desire of wanting to possess the target of one's obsession. The emotion experienced when in love i.e mutual respect, trust and security paves way and jealousy, insecurity and resentment takes over.

No matter how deep your loves claim is, if mutual respect, trust and security has been replaced by jealousy, insecurity and resentment, your love has become an obsession.

What Causes Obsessive Love Disorder?

• Low Self Esteem: The belief that you need the next person to complete you 
• Ego: Having an inflated sense of self, a feeling of being special or different such that you expect to be an authority. Therefore, thoughts of losing the partner breeds the desire to possess and control the other in other words putting your partner under check and leash.

 Signs of Obsessive Love Disorder

1. Neurotic and compulsive behavior e.g Rapid and repeated phone calls to lovers place of residence or work.
2. Stalking: This can be physically or through the various existing Social Media in order to keep tabs on them
3. Unwarranted suspicion of every move, resentment for relationship with others and violence.
4.  Anger, rage and desire to seek revenge.

Let's try to break the above points down

You have Obsessive Love Disorder if:

• You get jealous of your partner spending time with other people, when they could be spending time with you.
• You feel compelled to know exactly where they are and who they are with anytime you are not together.
• You are incapable of being happy or living a functional life whenever your lover is not around.
• You have ever accused your partner of infidelity even when the evidence suggests otherwise because of your own insecurity.
• You live in constant fear of losing your relationship.

Solution to Obsessive Love Disorder

It is an established fact that people with Obsessive Love Disorder are living in illusion believing that

1. The one you love must think about you always.
2. The one you love must devote all his time to you.
3. Your love should be enough to quell the effect of all the day-to-day challenges your partner encounters.
4. You should be the topmost of his priority always, nothing else should matter.
5.  If they lose the partner, then their world is over!

Therefore, the first step is to wake up from such illusive state and face reality! Separate illusion from reality

• Your spouse should want to be with you 24/7 (Illusion) but He need to have a functional life, e.g Job, Commitments, responsibilities etc, which might take him away from you for longer than you expect. (Reality)
• Understand that you love a person because of who you are. Being in love is a choice not some sort of salvation or an escape route from developing yourself into maturity and making a meaning out of your life.
• Realize that obsession can close your opportunities. No matter how loving your partner is, your obsessive behavior and desire to possess will only succeed in pushing them farther away from you.
• Remember that timing is everything and everyone is different. Your lover has priorities which might be different from yours. Becoming obsessed and hoping like crazy that your mere existence is enough to change these priorities reveals a lack of understanding and suggests that you are in need of a reality check! People who change plans because someone is making them to end up resenting that person. It may not show up immediately but will surface eventually. So many relationships failed because someone woke up one morning and felt he has been manipulated all along.
• Relax your mind. if you think this is the right person for you, remind yourself that they may not be in the same stage of relationship as you so relax and be yourself. That’s the only way they can understand how to love you.

 Overcoming Obsessive Love Disorder

1. Admit your obsession: This is most difficult step as we have been made to believe traits of obsession to be  evidence of "true love".
2. Love yourself first and foremost. It is said that no one can love you like you. Therefore Love yourself that is the only way you can truly love another.
3. Develop yourself: Dedicate yourself to goals and activities that match who you are. Your relationship is just one passion not a complete replacement for the range of joys life bring.
4. Maintain a healthy social circle and support group. If you have a partner who demand you cut off from every relationship and focus only on them, be wary. That is a sign of a controlling person who may manipulate you into obsession.
5. Enjoy every moment of your relationship. Love is not meant to be a burden, Love and enjoy being in love even if it is only for a moment after all, nothing in life lasts forever.Obsession squeezes fun out of a relationship and turns everything into hard work. Causing you to worry about every word and action. Having a feeling of uncontrollable jealousy about everything and anyone that removes your partner from you, even his job.
6. Improve on what you are missing inside. Work on your self esteem. Be confident and understand that no man have a total control over his future. It is foolishness to spend today living in the fear of tomorrow.
7. Deal with that void in your heart that makes you feel lonely.
8. Learn to connect with people outside of a romantic relationship.
9. Build your self-worth. Never expect to catch self worth from your partner. Self worth and high self esteem are neither contagious nor transmitted you have got to build it from the inside.

Friends Understand this:

You need only YOU to be truly happy

The more you care for and love yourself, the more attractive you are

Time spent worrying about anything is a waste of energy

Life is Fun don’t live like a donkey. You are not created to be a beast of Burden

There is a thin line between Care, Affection Love and Obsession Therefore, it is wisdom to Always put your feelings in Check! even the truest form of Love become abusive/Violent….

When Love becomes Obsession

References

• ·         Susan Forward; Craig Buck (1 January 2002). Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go. Bantam Books. ISBN 978-0-553-38142-9.
• ·         Voo, Jocelyn (2007-10-16). "Love addiction -- how to break it". CNN. Retrieved 2015-12-15.
• ·         Vijayakar, R.M. (2015-12-14). "Priya Banerjee to Reprise Juhi Chawla’s Role in Karanvir Vohra’s ‘Darr’ Remake". India West. Retrieved 2015-12-15.
• ·         Birchall, Guy (2015-12-14). "Lisa Snowden's stalker sectioned after bombarding the star with nearly 1000 text messages". thesun.co.uk. Retrieved 2015-12-15.
• ·         Michael Coveney (2 April 2009). "'The Phantom of the Opera': Ghosts of a love affair". The Independent. Retrieved 2015-12-15.
• ·         Peabody, Susan (1995) [1989]. Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
• ·         Belton, M., and E. Bailey. The Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love. New York City: The Penguin Group, 2011.
• ·         Bogerts, B. "Delusional jealousy and obsessive love -- causes and forms." MMW Fortschr Med 147.6 Feb. 2005: 26-29.
• ·         Kennedy, N., M. McDonough, B. Kelly, and G.E. Berrios. "Erotomania revisited: clinical course and treatment." Comprehensive Psychiatry 43.1 (2002): 1-6.
• ·         Manjunatha, N., D. Kumar, and H.S. Nizamie. "Repetitive love proposing: A case report and review of phenomenology of impulsivity and compulsivity." Indian Journal of Psychiatry 49.4 Oct.-Dec. 2007: 267–270.
• ·         Purcell, R., M. Path, and P.E. Mullen. "A study of women who stalk." The American Journal of Psychiatry 158.12 (2001).